It’s the same thing every single day. I do the same thing, go to work, eat dinner, sleep and then repeat it again. Even what I eat has a routine. I know what I will have to eat on each and every day of the week. I know because it was what I had last week, and the week before that. I am stuck in an endless routine that I don’t know how to change. Boring, monotonous, mind numbing. Envy too, envy is the worst of the feelings.
At night when I’ve eaten my dinner I watch television. I watch programs about people who go to different places in the world. Some are about food, some are about travel, some are about people buying somewhere to live. Even though I watch them because I enjoy it, I still envy them. Almost resent them. Seeing the world, going to exotic places, carefree. Well, I am carefree, I sometimes wish I had something to worry about just to break the cycle.
Then I go to bed. Lying there imagining all these places. What are the people are like? What are the smells are like? How I would love to sit on a beach in one of these tropical countries. The things I am imagining are full of colour, bright colours. Yellow, turquoise, red and orange. The world I am just existing in simply grey. Like one of them cartoons where the character is followed around by a raining cloud. The cloud following me everywhere I go.
I know though. I know that self pity is my problem. I see things that I want, see things that I would like to do. I dream of all these places that I would love to go to. Do I go and get them? No, I just look at other people enjoying them. I resent them for being able to do what I want to do. I should be aspiring to be them. Aspiring to achieve what they have achieved in life. My list of excuses are long though, there is always a reason I can’t do something.
My mind is locked and I can’t seem to open it. I can’t open it because I don’t want to open it. My boredom is my comfort, the routine is my safety blanket. As much as I want to be like these people on television I never will be. There is no key to unlock me from my comfort, envy and resentment has double locked it. The keys are lost, too. Put somewhere I’ll never find them, on purpose. An open mind is a frightening one, far more scary than the one I have now.