There ain’t much else you can do. You live your life in this bubble, part of you wants to pop it and part of you never wants to leave it. Is it easy? Na, not at all. It’s boring, it’s repetitive and you get nothing from it. Lose lose situation. Why do I do it? I suppose at this point I don’t know any better, I’m not even sure that changing my life would have any difference. Thing is, I say it’s boring but I don’t think it’s as boring as leading a normal life. I’m conflicted really. Or maybe I am just scared, they reckon confusion is just a way of avoiding a decision you know is right. Probably a load of psychobabble.
My life probably isn’t as bad as some of the others I know. They live on the streets, at least I have somewhere warm to sleep at night. In some ways maybe that’s bad, I look at them and think I haven’t fallen that far yet so there ain’t much reason to change. You never think it will happen to you, do you understand what I mean? I reckon they all thought the same at some point, now look at them. I won’t go that far though, I’ll give it all up before then. I don’t believe you have to lose it all before you change, you’ve just gotta want to make that change.
When I was a kid I had all those dreams and aspirations that everyone else had. I wanted to go to school, go to university, get a good job, a nice house out in the suburbs somewhere. People seem to think when you’re like this you don’t have any aspirations, of course you do. Things went wrong somewhere along the line though. That’s how I am here, things went wrong. I ain’t gonna talk about it, but it weren’t easy for me. Them aspirations are all gone now, I’ve kinda submitted myself to what seems to be my fate. Getting up in the morning is a chore, especially when there isn’t anything to get up for, it’s like that film where the geezer lives the same day over and over again.
I do this. I do it all the time, I confuse myself, I know it’s all a contradiction. I say I want to carry on living the way I do but I’ll still tell you how horrible it is and how bad life has treated me. I don’t even want pity or sympathy, I just want someone to listen. It’s that confusion thing all over again. I know what the right choice would be but I don’t want to admit to myself that I don’t want to make it. When you wake up in the morning and you’re surrounded by empty bottles, you don’t know what you did last night or where you might have been, you know you’re not living the right kind of life. Then you start again and the bottle persuades you that you are living the right kind of life.
Anyway, I’d better go, I’m rambling on now, just need someone to talk to, let it all out, don’t get the chance often, you know what I mean? It’s 10 am and I’m a bit shaky. I might go for a walk later on when I’ve sorted myself out. Think a bit more about life, not that I don’t do that enough as it is! Funny, when I said about being a kid and aspirations and dreams and all them things, I always wanted to go to the circus but never had the chance, used to draw pictures of them, there’s one over in the park at the moment, if I drink enough I might pluck up the courage to go over and persuade them to keep me. Run away with the circus, sounds good. Take care.